I want to speak but my words get stuck, caught in my throat and I can’t get out the words. I want to ask so – how is your spiritual life? What about Jesus? I want to know, to speak, to share what Jesus means to me, how much life I have been given and am receiving, and yet I can’t seem to get even the first words out. I think of the future, years from now, when these loved ones will be gone and then, won’t I regret not speaking up? What fears have a hold on me? Why do I grapple?
How I’ve prayed for those hearts around me to be transformed in His loving hands… and here is my prayer:
“I’ve prayed for their hearts to be softened and bare and for tears to flow on bended knees. I pray that for their souls to be bared before You, for them to know You and to come to the joy of realizing that they are known by You; for their knees to bow in worship and emptiness before Your throne and kiss your feet in humble submission. I long to tell them that they are beautiful, loved by You… and please whisper those words in their ears. Tell them that there is nothing that can separate You from Your love for them, and remind them how much You have given out of love for them. Surround them in your arms of love and open their hearts and eyes so that they may see the gift of your grace. I long, and You long, for them to know that they are here for a purpose, have talents, gifts that You have planted in them, that give You glory. And, any words that speak of their lack of usefulness, that they have no gifts, that they are good for nothing, are absolute lies. Any words of their worthlessness are absolute lies, because their lives are worth every drop of Jesus’ blood spilled. Any words of purposelessness are absolute lies, because You clearly say You have a plan for each of us. You take a hammer and nails, and cut open the lies and expose them for what they are, with no substance, full of emptiness… and You pour grace into our hearts, empty and desperate for hope, and offer freedom from sin. How much I long for them to know this love unspeakable and joy unshakeable and beauty unsurpassable. How much I am longing for them to know…and more than that is how much You love them and are waiting to welcome them home.
And how much I want to tell you msyelf, friends and loved ones, but my words get stuck in my throat and I’m tongue-tied and I can’t say it right and the moment doesn’t ever seem right, and I forget to say it in the midst of life, and worst of all, I’ve neglected to be that person when you saw me, and now even years later, and even in the present, do I have, will I ever have that chance? I’m longing to tell you, tell you all.”
So this is the prayer I’ve prayed numerous times.
Then the truth comes to me… what stops me—it’s the accuser himself. I’m grappling with the enemy, who wants to come and snatch words –before they’re even spoken, like in the parable of the sower, only I can’t even say them– I’m paralyzed, so the enemy does his stealing… before I even speak.
God’s love is not a hidden melody
I don’t want my life a melting irony
How much I long for you to see
This is my prayer, for you to be
Broken from chains of sin, set free
To be known by God and for Him to know—
Life’s purpose, joy, His glory to show
Sharing with lovely Emily and the beautiful community at Imperfect Prose